How Do I Help My Partner Manage The Stress?

The cancer diagnosis, upcoming surgery, and possible chemotherapy and radiation therapy all seem so overwhelming. Where do I begin?

First, identify your partner’s past coping techniques. Start by looking back on how he or she has coped with difficult situations in the past. People tend to use the same coping techniques to deal with difficult, but different, situations. Have his or her methods been productive and effective? As long as they weren’t negative forms of coping, such as drug or alcohol abuse, overeating or under-eating, or violent behavior, it may be that past coping strategies are still effective now. Generally speaking, learning about the diagnosis and treatment in advance of the office visit may make particularly stressful situations more manageable. Patients often describe the time before surgery or chemo-therapy and radiation therapy as particularly stressful.

They play the “hurry up and wait game,” which describes the situation of feeling the urgency of getting a definitive diagnosis, establishing treatment and other important aspects of the disease, and then waiting for treatments to begin. They have described the fear that the cancer is still growing in their bodies. Some people may demand radical treatment prematurely as a result of this stress, and this could be an irreversible decision that these people later regret.

Furthermore, patients often misunderstand chemo-therapy and radiation therapy, and this misunderstanding can cause extreme fear and dread in some patients. For example, some people assume they will be very sick (including nausea, diarrhea, and so on), be in pain, and/or lose their hair. True, some patients may experience one or more of these symptoms, but new cancer treatments, and medications that control side effects, enable patients to better tolerate radiation therapy and chemotherapy. Many people experience few or no side effects. Others do experience more side effects, but they continue to maintain an active lifestyle with minor changes to their daily activities.

It can help if you and your partner talk with a former patient whose treatment was similar to your partner’s, to pick up some useful tips on how to manage treatments. If the plan is to have chemotherapy or radiation therapy, and your partner is someone who likes to be informed and prepared, you and your partner may con-sider making a visit to the treatment area(s) before starting treatment in order to familiarize yourself with the environment.

Sometimes it helps to actually see the treatment areas. It makes them seem less mysterious and can make it easier to visualize the future. The “unknown” thus becomes more known, which can lessen the degree of fear. Most importantly, speak with your partner’s doctor or nurse to get correct information about what to expect from your partner’s specific type of treatment, including possible side effects and how to prevent or treat them.

Of course, it may happen that your partner feels frustrated by limitations her body places on her, such as fatigue or other symptoms, during the treatments or after surgery. Remind her to pace herself, and to make adjustments according to how she is feeling. This requires a mental adjustment of how much her body can handle now versus what it could handle before cancer treatment. For example, your partner may enjoy seeing movies but now may not have enough energy to make a trip to the theater.

Rent a movie instead and stay at home. She may have only enough energy some nights to watch part of the movie. This is okay. Every-one needs rest to recuperate, and pushing someone past reasonable limits can be counterproductive, resulting in more fatigue and stress. Another important coping method for many people is using the social support of friends, family, colleagues, or others in their “immediate world.” If possible, help your loved one identify one or two people with whom he or she can openly share feelings and fears. Just talking about thoughts, feelings, and concerns is one of the best ways to get things off one’s chest, problem solve, and obtain help from others.