I feel that my husband and I are growing apart since his cancer diagnosis. Why is this happening?
This is a hard question to answer without understanding much about a couple’s relationship before the cancer diagnosis. However, cancer is a huge stress on individuals, families, and couples, and this stress can strain even the closest relationships. A primary contributor to emotional distance is blocked communication. A common reaction we see among patient and family alike is a wish to protect the other from unpleasant reactions or feelings.
Sometimes, holding back thoughts or emotions is appropriate. However, if this becomes a pattern and these reactions are never discussed, holding back from telling your partner may sometimes seem like keeping a secret.
We have found that if patients and their partners start talking more openly about their fears, emotions, and questions, they often find they have a better understanding of where the other person is coming from, which can make people feel more connected to each other. Discussing feelings or the topic of cancer is difficult, even for the most expressive people.
Remember, however, that displaying emotions, even tears, can bring people closer together. Good support is one of the most important parts of positive coping.
Often, reduced intimacy occurs after a cancer diagnosis, and this can contribute to the belief that you are growing apart. This feeling can stem from less effective communication, as stated earlier, but also from stress, changes in a patient’s body image, and side effects of cancer treatment (such as fatigue, nausea, recuperation from surgery). Part of maintaining or improving communication also starts with the physical connection you and your spouse share.
If sexual relations were an important part of your pre-cancer relationship and are not now, you may want to alter how both of you react physically to one another. For example, affection shown by hugs, kisses, and touches may be reassuring to the patient, and to you. As the initial shock of the diagnosis passes, you may find that new ways of physical communication will transform into a sexual connection.
Couples also tell us that their sex lives fluctuate, depending on their stress levels. This is normal. When people are preoccupied, sex may be the furthest thing from their minds. For others, it is the best stress-reliever!