My Husband Is Not Sure Whether He Wants To Tell Anyone About His Diagnosis

My husband is not sure whether he wants to tell anyone about his diagnosis. I believe that I have to let some family members and friends know what’s going on. Whom do I tell, what do I tell them, and how will they react?

Some people do not tell anyone anything (sometimes not even their spouses) about the cancer diagnosis, whereas others tell the world everything (literally, by writing books about their experiences). While telling no one can lead to lack of support and isolation, dis-closure is a highly personal decision, and one that patients should have as much control over as possible.

Discussions about medical issues and body functions are usually kept private in our society. It’s natural for people to be unsure of how much to tell others. After learning about your husband’s cancer, such as where in the body it is located and about the functions of that body part, both of you may begin to practice talking about his diagnosis with close, trusted friends and family.

See how they react and what questions they ask. Often, knowing what other people think and the questions they ask helps patients and family members prepare themselves for what to tell other people.

If you and your husband feel comfortable and choose to tell other people, start talking about his diagnosis more openly. If it fits with your personality, humor is often a good icebreaker and can make you and others feel more at ease. As patients learn more about their cancer, prognosis, and treatment plan—and the helpful role that family and friends can play in this process— they may become more comfortable generally talking about their illness.

Keep in mind that you and your husband may have different ideas regarding who, what, and how to tell others. He may need more time than you do to adjust to the diagnosis, or he may feel that he wants to keep this information confidential. You and your husband may want to specify what you are going to tell other people if they ask you questions, so that you are pro-viding consistent information.

Remember, people you tell will have their own conceptions about cancer. If you decide to disclose the diagnosis, be prepared for a variety of reactions to the news. For some, talking about cancer elicits fear and misunderstanding, and they may want to avoid the topic. Some people wrongly believe that cancer is contagious or that cancer is always terminal. Some patients and family members have felt rejected by others’ unintentional reactions, sometimes from close friends who do not call anymore or do not want to socialize. On the other hand, other friends or even distant acquaintances may offer their support. Old friendships can grow and new friendships bloom.

Some people may be very interested in your husband’s diagnosis, treatment, and even prognosis. For these reactions, provide only as much information as he and you feel comfortable providing—don’t feel pressured to divulge too much. People may also want to share their own experiences with cancer or information that they think will be helpful. Some family members have found advice and sharing helpful, particularly in the beginning.

However, sometimes this information can be confusing, particularly when the information is irrelevant to your situation or when it is upsetting. If you start to feel overwhelmed, simply tell people that you appreciate their concern but that you feel better discussing the medical concerns solely with the doc-tor.

You may hear of, or know of, other people diagnosed with cancer, maybe even the same type of cancer, who are not faring well medically. Remember, however, that every person is different, every cancer is different, and every person’s response to treatment is unique.

Most people will be supportive and sensitive to you and your husband’s needs and offer support. Be pre-pared to accept such offers. Do not be afraid to ask for specific help, such as driving your children to their activities, preparing meals, helping with laundry and cleaning, or just doing something fun together.

People with whom you share the diagnosis may be relieved when you ask for specific help as it takes pressure off them to try to figure out how to help. They want to feel useful and be involved. Furthermore, by accepting assistance, you may feel less stressed by having fewer drains on your energy.