Our children haven’t said much since their father was diagnosed with cancer, but we’ve noticed that they’re trying almost too hard to help out at home, which is definitely a change. Is this normal?
Children often blame themselves for problems, including a parent’s cancer diagnosis. Many children create fantasies to explain events. They might think that their father got cancer because they were not doing well in school or because they shouted something at him or secretly wished that something bad would happen to him the last time they were punished. Because children often think that they did something to cause the cancer, they sometimes think that they have the power to make it go away. A youngster may become the “model child” and try to do everything right.
A teenager may suddenly become overly helpful around the house or the play the role of “substitute parent.” Sometimes parents mistake this exemplary behavior to mean that their child is coping well. However, being “perfect” can be a tremendous burden for your child because of the feelings of responsibility that this method of coping entails.
Children may fear that if they “mess up,” they will make the ill parent worse; if a complication occurs, they may feel guilty that they did not try hard enough to be perfect. You may be surprised at what your children may be thinking. Ask them. They need reassurance that they are neither the cause of the cancer nor responsible for making it go away.