Since my spouse’s diagnosis, it seems that our family has really changed. We have each risen to the challenge, but how much change is good for our family, and how can we keep things as normal as possible?
Cancer affects the entire family, not merely the patient diagnosed with the disease. All family members will react to the news of the cancer diagnosis in their own ways, and each will cope differently. However, despite being unique people, you are also part of one family, and what you each do will affect the rest of the members. All of you are coping with the normal reactions to the cancer and feeling appropriate emotions; in addition, daily life may be altered.
The person diagnosed with cancer may not be able to fulfill his or her household chores or professional obligations due to medical treatment or physical changes, and the role of other family members may need to adjust to compensate. For example, if long-distance family members come to the patient’s home to help care for the patient, having another person around, no matter how helpful and loving, is still a change to which your family needs to adapt.
Keeping family life as normal as possible is a good goal, but be flexible if modifications to your normal routine are needed or unavoidable. For example, try to go to bed and wake up at the same times you are used to, eat meals at the same time, and keep up with physical activity. After the initial crisis of the diagnosis, make a point to socialize, attend religious services, and enjoy other activities. Still clean the house, do the laundry and other chores (as much as possible).
Not only is maintaining a daily routine practical (the dishes will be done!), but it is also comforting to keep things consistent at a time when uncertainty about medical issues is high. Children, in particular, respond well to keeping a normal routine. Furthermore, doing things not related to the diagnosis can be a practical temporary distraction from the doctors, the hospital, and other reminders of the cancer.
Hopefully, a “new normal” for your family will be established with time. As you begin to understand more about the disease, its symptoms, and your loved one’s treatments, these aspects of the cancer will become part of your “new normal.” Talk with your family members, including your spouse, about what the change has been like for them. Communication not only can allow people to vent their feelings, but it can also be an effective way for you to identify tensions and find solutions to ensure that life proceeds as normally as possible. If you believe that your family needs help communicating or adjusting to the diagnosis, family therapy can be helpful. You may want to contact your hospital social worker or investigate local family therapists.
Maintaining normal routines does not mean that you should be inflexible if alterations in your life need to be made. It also does not mean that the family needs to “pretend” that everything is wonderful. Try to strike a balance between maintaining consistency, but be willing to change, since sticking to harsh regimens can exacerbate tensions.