Mark’s comment: I became the primary caregiver for my mother because I was the only relative who lived nearby, and I was also the one who was emotionally closest to her. After I reached adulthood, I had become as much a friend to her as a son. I was also fortunate enough to be self-employed, which allowed me a great deal of flexibility in my time. But even if that hadn’t been the case, as far as I was concerned, it was my responsibility as her son to take care of her when she was sick. That was a good enough reason for me.
There is an expectation in our society that a person with a life-threatening illness will have someone to assume the role of primary caregiver. Most often this is a spouse (or “significant other”) or an adult child for an older patient. When family, either by blood or marriage, is unavailable, we often look to close friends to provide essential support.Although the caregiver role would seem to fall on the person who has the closest relationship with the patient, a number of other factors influence the decision as to who will take on the primary caregiving responsibility. Proximity, or simply living close by, may be one reason why it was decided that you as opposed to your sister, who lives farther away, would be your mother’s caregiver. Of course, the patient may have asked you to help simply because he or she trusts you and believes you’ll do a good job. Or, you may have volunteered for this role as primary caregiver because it is a role you feel comfortable with.
Many people, despite the shock and dismay of having a loved one diagnosed with cancer, find solace and deep personal satisfaction in being a primary caregiver. It is a role that allows them to demonstrate, through the care they provide, their love and esteem for the patient. Also, it feels good to be helpful and feel needed by a loved one. For others, their reaction to caregiving might be more ambivalent. Because of a history of strained family relationships, they may wonder “why me?”
They may feel pressure not only from family members, but also from coworkers, acquaintances, and members of the health-care team as well, to provide care, regardless of their desire or perceived ability to do so. If you became the primary caregiver because of other people’s expectations, it is important that you are aware of these expectations and your own feelings about the matter. Mixed feelings at the beginning about your role can lead to a greater sense of frustration later on, so it is important to acknowledge your limits as early as possible before they become problematic, so that you and the patient can make alternative care arrangements, if possible.