Each individual is different, and each relationship is different; thus, it is hard to generalize about how each of you and the two of you together will react. In general, there are different aspects of bladder cancer and its treatment that are more stressful for you and your spouse or partner. Men generally are most concerned with the effects of bladder cancer surgery on sexual function and urinary incontinence. Women tend to most concerned with long-term survival. Women with bladder cancer are concerned with the changes in body image that occur, particularly those who have an ileal conduit. It appears that as couples face the challenge of dealing with bladder cancer, one of the critical steps is establishing their commitment to each other.
This is achieved through communication that may be verbal or nonverbal, such as a hug. The absence of this sense of reconnection between partners, often as a result of failure of communication, can distance the relationship and make mutual support more difficult. There is a delicate balance for couples between acknowledging fears that arise and keeping them private. Either extreme—being too vocal or too private— appears to create tension. Sometimes men do not express their worries and fears because they are concerned about the effect that this may have on their spouse.
They often indicate that they have held things back because they did not want to worry their spouse or felt that their spouses were not strong enough to cope with the issues. It is important that you communicate your concerns and fears with someone—whether it be your physician, close friend or relative, or individuals going through similar experiences—if you feel that you can-not discuss them with your spouse or significant other. You may also ask your physician whether he or she knows of any patients with bladder cancer who are willing to talk about their experience with you and whether there are any bladder cancer support groups in your area.Confronting a life-threatening illness is difficult, but through open communication and mutual support, it can draw a family closer together, force a reordering of priorities, and influence a change toward a healthier lifestyle for all of those affected.
The day my doctor told me that I had bladder cancer, I went numb. I had to go back to work after my appointment, and I really cannot remember anything that I did that day. All I could do was think about how to break it to my wife. Her father had died of lung cancer, and even though my doctor had told me that my cancer could be treated with therapy that he placed into my bladder and that I would do well, I was really scared to tell her. It took me 2 weeks to tell her the truth. At first I told her that the doctor was still waiting for some test results, but then I finally got up the nerve to tell her the truth. She tried to act like she was sure that I would be fine, but I could tell that she wasn’t. She immediately went to the computer and started looking for information on bladder cancer. She had a hard time realizing that the bladder therapy is very different from the chemotherapy that her father received. She came with me to my next appointment and seemed to feel much better after that. She had an opportunity to ask questions, and both of us left the appointment feeling much better. She was very relieved to hear that my urologist did not think that I would ever need chemotherapy like what her father received. ( J. S., 68 years old)