You can say the same things you said to them before they had cancer. Don’t be afraid to mention the disease, but attend closely to their responses. This means to listen not only to the words, but also the tone of voice and to observe body language. Some people want to talk about their cancer, while others don’t. And how they respond today can change the next time you see them, so it’s not a bad idea to check in with them occasionally by asking again if they’d like to talk. If they prefer not to discuss their cancer, at least they know you care and are willing to listen when they’re ready.
Besides, it’s not always necessary to talk about the cancer, and surely there are many other things that they would enjoy having a conversation about. If and when a person with cancer does decide to talk, it may be better simply to listen well to what he or she has to say rather than to say things you think will make the person feel better. If you want to say something encouraging, remind the person of his or her personal strengths or how well he or she had survived hard times in the past. Focus on really listening to what the person with cancer says. Rephrase what he or she has told you and say it back to him or her.
This type of communication may seem unnatural to you at first, but it can be an effective way to demonstrate that you are listening to what the person is saying.Try not to offer advice unless it is asked for. Keep in mind that talking about other people you know who have had the same diagnosis or a comparable illness may come across as second guessing the specific decisions a person with cancer has made or as a criticism of how he or she has handled the experience in general. Do not stop calling or visiting, unless he or she specifically tells you to stop communicating. And, do not tell others about the diagnosis or the information shared with you unless you have the patient’s permission. Trust is particularly important at this time.Mark’s comment: Basically, when a friend or relative tells you they have cancer, there’s not much you can or even should say you just have to try to listen to them.
When a male friend of mine,Frank, explained to me about his lymphoma, I didn’t really say much except that I thought he should go get a second opinionit didn’t seem as though his doctor was telling him what he needed to know. After asking him first, I then made an effort to go out and find some good doctors who came highly recommended. Frank is not knowledgeable about computers or the Internet, so doing it for him saved him some trouble. I don’t ask him about his can cer I let him talk about it when he wants to.
There are a lot of things you shouldn’t say. If hearing your friend has cancer makes you uncomfortable, you might react by being overly sympathetic and alarmed, or else joke the discomfort away, and neither response is very helpful. It’s best to be matter off act about the subject and supportive, urging the person to talk if he or she wants to. Humor does have its place there are times that being blunt, in a humorous way, can help your friend to cope better.
For example, a female friend, Janet, who has a brain tumor, was waffling about going through with her surgery because, she said, “I don’t want to be bald.” I told her, “Bald is temporary, dead is permanent.” And she laughed. But then she admitted what I already had figured out, which was that she was scared of dying during surgery, and I let her talk about that. Talking didn’t change her mind any about the surgery she still hasn’t had it, and every day she procrastinates risks her life but at least she can talk about her real fears now and isn’t quite so scared of the prospect.