After his wife was diagnosed with cancer, one husband said, “I feel like I am a passenger in a car on a dangerous, icy road. My wife is driving, and she is ultimately in control of crucial decisions that will affect both of us, and I am fearful of what will happen.” Just as patients feel a loss of control when they are diagnosed with a medical illness, caregivers also often feel a loss of control. As a spouse, you are an observer of what is happening, but you are also profoundly affected by your partner’s reactions and decisions.
You probably share a large burden of the caregiving responsibilities. Loved ones report periodically feeling helpless and concerned that, no matter how hard they try, they cannot do enough. You may experience feelings similar to that of the patient, such as depression, sadness, anxiety, and fear. Your life will be disrupted, so understand that these adjustments represent significant changes and allow yourself time to come to grips with them. As you are coping with your own reactions to the diagnosis of your loved one, you are also being expected to perform functions that may be new to you.
These changes can cause discord between you and your spouse, particularly if you are not prepared to talk about these issues as they arise or if you have had relationship problems before the diagnosis of cancer. For many couples, communication could use fine-tuning, even before a diagnosis of cancer. If you need some direction on how to begin more open communication about your spouse’s diagnosis, start by asking your partner questions about how he or she is feeling (both physically and emotionally), and how you can help.
For example, you may ask:
- How are you holding up?
- Tell me, what is this really like for you?
- I notice that you have been quiet lately. Do you mind telling me what you are thinking about?
- I will try to be here for you any way I can. Could you give me some pointers on ways I can help?
You may want to express your own concerns and feelings to your spouse also. Couples often want to protect each other from their feelings, and in essence, put up an emotional wall. If you take the lead, your spouse may feel that it is okay to share as well. However, remember that you do not need to share everything all the time, particularly if you are not comfortable talking about your feelings. Find what works for you—do not force yourself, or your spouse, to talk.
In addition to communicating feelings and needs, you may consider the following suggestions for how to help your partner, depending on how he or she is feeling:
- Try not to let the topic of cancer dominate all conversation. Talk about other things.
- Live life with your spouse. Do enjoyable activities together.
- Buy a thoughtful gift as a token of your feelings. A note tucked in a pocket can be an unexpected reminder that you are thinking about your partner.
- If he or she is agreeable, take on the “public relations” role by communicating to other people how your spouse is doing.
- Touch your spouse. Touch is an important part of intimacy and reassurance, particularly when words are not enough. Touch is also calming.
- Allow your spouse to feel what he or she is feeling. If your spouse is feeling down, ask why he or she is feeling that way, instead of trying to “fix” the problem immediately or pressuring your spouse to be more positive.
- Do gently remind your spouse about positive aspects of life, such as people who love him or her, or upcoming enjoyable events, like a wedding or party.
- Help your spouse feel less dependent and more in control. Reassure your spouse that you are fulfilling your role as caregiver out of love, and try to help your spouse maintain as much control as possible by continuing to participate in household decisions, making social plans, or doing other activities independently according to how he or she is feeling.
Tip: If you are interested in improving communication, keep in mind that “forcing” your spouse to talk, or suddenly changing your methods of communication, may not bring about the intended result of better communication. Instead, try asking open-ended questions and listen to what your spouse says.
An open-ended question is one that has to be answered with more than a simple yes or no. It invites the respondent to share or explain his or her thoughts. Wait for the answer. Some people need time to gather their thoughts before expressing them. Listening is just as important as talking (sometimes even more so!).