It seems that much of anxiety stems from a basic fear of being alone or being left by those close to us. This separation anxiety starts in childhood, as the child separates from his/her mother and learns to navigate the world.
A child who ventures out from his mother to return safely and receive a warm welcome back learns to feel that separation can be safe. If the child’s leaving the mother threatens the mother, however, a different response ensues. A mother may have lost a prior child from an accident, naturally making her more wary.
Perhaps she feels so dependent and needy herself that the child’s leaving rattles her sense of security (e.g., women who have children to stave off their own loneliness).
Children of such mothers may receive a yell or spank in response to their adventures or as a function of their caretaker’s agitation. The theory is that these children learn that leaving can create a particular kind of anxiety in their caretaker and learn not to leave as a way to protect themselves and their caretakers.
These reactions to separation are far preferable to early abandonment by the mother. We know from human life and monkey experiments that early neglect leads to permanent nerve, brain, and personality damage.
Rat pups separated from their mothers at birth but then reunited after a while have much higher levels of stress; monkeys fed by a mechanical mother become permanently brain damaged; and the babies from the Romanian orphanages who have chronic difficulties with attachment serve as testimony to the critical nature of early maternal stimulation and closeness. Separation shows up in many adult symptoms.
Patients can experience their first bouts of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or drug abuse as they leave home for college, literally becoming homesick. Two partners about to separate from one another for a temporary but extended period of time fight as a way to deeply connect with one another before the separation.
They also confirm that the other partner is of no value, making it is easier to say goodbye than if the partner were truly esteemed. In therapy, separation from the therapist can become a major parameter of examination, as patients often develop strong reactions, old feeling states (e.g., sadness or feelings of inadequacy), or relapses of symptoms (e.g., relapses into drug abuse or sexual promiscuity) before a separation from the therapist.
Rick’s comments:
The first major loss in my life resulted from the illness and death of my biological mom when I was 8 (my father later remarried and I am fortunate to have a wonderful step-mom). For years, Mom suffered from multiple sclerosis, and we were often separated due to her hospitalizations. The most noticeable result of the anxiety I was feeling during that time was my going from being a skinny kid to an overweight kid.
My binge eating patterns—that have never totally ended—began at that time. This was my first bout with depression and, I believe, OCD. Binge eating, whether being done by an 8-year-old in 1962 or a 48-year-old in 2002, doesn’t have much to do with hunger; it’s emotional eating, a warding off of anxiety, and it can stick around long after the reasons for that anxiety have ended. It’s why, when I’m struggling with food issues, I can still sometimes feel like an 8-year-old.