I have not seen my friends for weeks. Sometimes I feel that I just need to get away from the hospital, doctors, and the cancer for a while. How can I do this without feeling too guilty?
Spending time with your friends and supportive family members is one of the most important buffers against stress for caregivers of people with cancer. And getting away from the hospital and cancer for a while is a very important part of taking care of yourself and avoiding burnout. However, feeling conflicted about being there for the patient versus focusing on your own needs is common among family members whom we see. Do you feel guilty? If so, why?
Family members often tell us that they feel guilty about having fun when their loved one is sick with cancer. Or, they feel that if they leave the house, some-thing bad will happen, and it will be their fault. The fact is, when asked, patients usually would rather see their family members taking breaks. It not only gives them time to themselves, but also somewhat relieves their own guilt that they are constantly a burden to others. Good feelings are “contagious.” If you feel better, the patient might brighten up, too.
If you are having trouble pulling yourself away to spend time with members of your support network, start slowly. Begin by asking your friends to come over to your home, or meet them someplace for coffee near your home or the hospital. Get a cell phone, if needed, and check in with your loved one while you are away. If you want, talk to your friends about how you feel. Or, just use the time to distract yourself by talking about their lives or other topics for a while. The patient may appreciate some time alone, too. On some occasions, bring your loved one with you to do something fun, as long as the doctor says it’s okay. This way you will be spending time with him or her while both of you have a good time.