Even though I feel overwhelmed, I don’t think it’s right to think of my needs right now. Shouldn’t I be doing everything possible to help the patient?
In times of crisis and great distress, we are often able to summon tremendous reserves of strength and endurance to protect and support our loved ones who are hurt or suffering. It’s natural to want to devote every ounce of energy to this task, in the hope of some benefit to our loved one, regardless of the physical, emotional, or spiritual toll on ourselves. “After all,” we believe, “this is what I have to do now, at whatever cost. I’ll have time later on to deal with the consequences.”
The problem is, if you’re pushing yourself too hard and too long, you may be compromising your ability to support the patient, both now and in the future. Pushing your limits can drain energy and increase stress. You may also neglect your own health under such circumstances. For example, we have seen many caregivers postpone their own medical care out of feeling obligated to spend all their time with the cancer patient. If you get sick, won’t this affect the care you are able to provide to the patient? If your emotions are threatening to unravel, how helpful can you be to a patient who is trying to calmly chart a course through treatment? It is very important that you attend to your own medical, physical, and psychological needs.
Furthermore, a caregiver may not see that other family members feel neglected or overlooked because all of his or her attention and energy is devoted to the patient. For example, if you have children, the care you provide them may change in the face of new responsibilities in caring for the person with cancer. Be sure that other people dependent on you are well cared for and safe.
Although it’s difficult, it’s sometimes necessary to take a step back and examine what you are doing for the patient, and why. Providing too much care, even out of love, is detrimental when it undermines the confidence and ability of patients to perform the tasks they are capable of doing themselves. Even when the care is necessary, is it truly required that you alone have to provide it? For many reasons, sometimes caregivers have difficulty letting others help them assist the patient. This is often not reasonable or sustainable, depending on the level of assistance the patient needs.
Of course, there are some barriers in getting help from family, friends, or healthcare professionals. Other family members may have jobs and/or their own families to care for; insurance will not cover enough hours for help at home, and there is no money to pay for private care. Address these problems with the help of a social worker or whomever you feel comfortable with as a problem-solving partner. But understand, too, that respecting your own needs does not necessarily mean doing less for your loved one. Sacrifice is not the same as martyrdom. By remembering to protect and nurture yourself, you will be that much stronger and better equipped emotionally and physically to help your loved one through hard times.