Expressing both positive and negative thoughts and emotions is normal. This is as much a concern for you as it is for the person with cancer. You and your loved one can balance your emotions by focusing on the positive in addition to recognizing the unpleasant thoughts. Think of this as positive coping and not merely “positive thinking.” As your loved one becomes more comfortable with this kind of coping, you too may start to feel more comfortable with him or her expressing a mixture of positive and negative reactions.
Being more positive doesn’t mean erasing everything negative from your consciousness. Furthermore, suppressing negative thoughts and emotions does not work because people tend to think more about the very thing they try to forget. In other words, the more someone resists an emotion or thought, the stronger it may become. It’s like trying not to think of a white elephant. The more you try not to think of it, the more often a white elephant pops into your mind. If you (or your loved one) find yourself thinking unpleasant thoughts, first of all, do not judge yourself for thinking them. Take some time to focus on those thoughts to help yourself identify what is truly bothering you.
Do you picture a certain image, such as an unpleasant medical procedure? A recurring scenario or a particular worry? Sometimes talking about the unpleasant thoughts is a good way of getting to the heart of the concern, and this can help resolve the problem. If you (or your loved one) find yourself frequently thinking and/or talking about a particular worry, you may want to take action to help yourself, either by solving the problem (if possible) or seeking help from a mental health professional to help you and your loved one cope better with the problem.
Do not try to radically change your or your loved one’s personality if either of you is generally a pessimistic person, since this would be nearly impossible. If you are confused about whether either of you is “thinking properly,” need help with positive coping strategies, or would like advice on how to better communicate with each other or other family members, speak to your social worker or another counselor for guidance.