Other than, “ The doctors will take care of it.” How do I break through his denial?
“Denial” is a loaded word. Many people use the word denial, typically when referring to it as a negative way to cope. However, denial, in fact, can be a useful coping technique, serving as a defense mechanism to temporarily shield people from their emotions. Denial can help someone to avoid thoughts or emotions that would be too much to handle at one time.
Denial can be useful, but when it compromises a person’s ability to cope or follow medical advice, or when it is extreme (to the point where he denies he even has cancer, for instance), it can lead to higher levels of stress. In particular, people who deny a problem are less likely to solve it or ask for help when needed. Give your husband time to come to grips with the situation.
If being stoic is normal for him, then he may continue to use this method of coping; it does not necessarily mean that he is “in denial” or that his coping method is a bad thing. For someone like this, being forced to talk about the cancer and feelings may make him feel worse. Be gentle, supportive, and let him come around on his own schedule and in his own way. If his reaction is not typical of his personality, speak with him directly about your perceptions and concerns, and explain how his reduced communication affects your feelings.
Initiate the conversation with “When you do this, I feel . . .” Phrasing it as an “I statement” is less threatening, as it puts the focus on you and your feelings, reducing the likelihood that he will feel blamed, threatened, or attacked.