At times, patients report concern over their spouse’s fidelity. Actually verifying that the spouse is or is not cheating can prove helpful, as spouses can feel anxious for years only to learn that for several years, in fact, their spouse has cheated. Wanting to deny news of this magnitude, even if it happens under one’s nose, occurs frequently.
Long absences from a spouse, not allowing or not welcoming a spouse to accompany one on business trips, or a sudden change in sexual wishes in the context of a long-standing pattern of sexual relations with a spouse can all indicate possible infidelity. More commonly, one’s spouse is not cheating and the fear that he or she is cheating represents a deeper fear of being left and a lack of trust. Becoming excited about being together in a relationship can precipitate fearing the worst.
A woman whose father left her at a young age—either by divorcing his wife for a woman with whom he was having an affair or dying—may re-experience this fear of loss in her present romantic relationship. Fearing infidelity recreates the feeling of loss and devaluation; it can carry a sense of internal blame.
Thus, the woman might feel responsible for her husband’s imagined infidelity, blaming herself for some perceived inadequacy such as no longer feeling sexy enough nor publicly charming enough. This self-blame might spare her partner her own rage, which may reflect a stockpile of the same feelings of rage and worthlessness that the she felt as a girl when her father left or died.
Fearing this infidelity and the low self-worth that accompanies the fantasy reunites the woman with a familiar feeling of being left. Inasmuch as this feeling is familiar, it decreases her anxiety about new kinds of trust or happiness which could occur in her intimate relationship.