My friend is a single mother of two young children. Even though she is doing fine medically since her cancer diagnosis, she would like to make plans for the care of the children if something should happen to her. Is this possible? If so, what do I do to help her?
Thousands of children are orphaned every year due to the death of a parent. The care of these children after a parent’s death is often not planned for. Subsequently, these children may be placed in foster care, may be adopted, or may be subject to other legal and non-legal arrangements, often causing disruption and trauma to the children involved. To avoid confusion, to reduce trauma to the children and potential guardians, and to increase the peace of mind of the parent, a standby guardian can be legally designated. A parent, such as your friend who is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, can identify a standby guardian in case some-thing happens to her in the future—either due to this illness or for another reason.
Securing standby guardianship for children is a very emotionally difficult thing for any parent to do. It rep-resents an acknowledgment that it’s possible she may not live long enough to see her children grow up, and accepting this reality is the initial, but most difficult step. It sounds as if your friend has already come to this realization. And, even though she is doing well medically now, she is putting her children’s needs first by wanting to make plans for their future if something does happen to her.
There are many ways you can help her. Be there to talk to her about her feelings, thoughts, and plans for her children. If she does not have a specific person or couple in mind as potential guardians, then she may need your support in deciding whom to ask. The first person usually considered is a biological parent (the children’s father/s). If this is not possible or recommended, other family members or close friends may be identified. After she has already identified some-one, she may need your support talking to that person about her plans. As a friend, you can be there for her for emotional support and guidance.
You may also want to investigate resources for her, such as lawyers who specialize in custody planning. If the patient is not able to afford a lawyer, she can con-tact agencies to seek assistance, such as the Legal Aid Society or the bar association of the state where she lives. It is important that her plans for guardianship are planned out legally to allow for the smoothest transition, and many resources are available to help her through this process, including the Internet.
Children should be made aware of the plans for their future, and they should talk about this with their mother, if possible. As a friend, you can help arrange these discussions between the patient and her children if she is finding it difficult to do so. Children need to know that their mother is taking care of them, no matter what happens. They may be sad and upset, understandably, but the fewer surprises they experience, the better they will cope. If your friend does die from this disease, you can be there to help her children adjust to her death. Knowing of your support now and in the future may be particularly comforting to your friend.